I'm a stone, I'm a stone
Pick me up, throw me gone
Heave me far, out of sight
Throw me high, to the light
Watch me rise, watch me fly
To the promise of the empty sky

The sky is cold, the sky is cold
Open up, loosen hold
Air is all, air is peace
Feel the ease, my gentle breeze
Heaven cries, heaven lies
How high, how high can we really rise?

I feel it come! I feel it come!
My world, it calls! And now, it falls!
A crash of breeze, hits and misses
My face it touches, razor kisses
I feel my sin, I see it grin
It bleeds within, right through my skin

The fires come! The fires come!
They sing, they hum!
I feel me crack, I feel me break
My colors run, my colors streak
The heat it locks; the heat it mocks
It broke my view, these burning locks

The earth is gone, the earth is gone!
I should have seen! I should have known!
Hear me sob, hear me cry
Watch my heart, watch me die
There's nothing right; there's nothing wrong
All I know is you are gone

I'm a stone, I'm a stone
I am here, and you are gone

Just this morning, I realized I have access to almost all of my ex's email, profiles, and other online accounts. Like most people I know, he has one apssword for everything. I tried it out. It worked. Watching what he does won't help make me feel good about myself nor about other decisions he makes. I guess it's just like the power the ring promised me. I can vanish from his world to see what he really does all by himself. I know it's dangerous and it'll probably be very hurtful, but I would go with my instincts and be a guardian for him.

I honestly want nothing but the best for him.

Even if it's gonna hurt me.

A cloud of fear has been bugging me the past few days. I am pretty afraid to go online or stay online for long thinking I would end up perusing his blog or worse, catching him online. He hasn't actually gone online for about two weeks now. Which is good. Then again, the paranoia in me is saying that he probably made a new private blog or that he's probably in perpetual invisible mode.

Insecurity has been a constant guest in my head. My self-esteem has been greatly damaged and traumatized. Add to that, work politics currently happening. Guess I'm still blaming myself fr everything that's going on. Why must they all happen at once? Undergoing therapy has been considered. Though, I have begun a new mantra or thinking. At least for the past few days, it has helped me through my doubting times. For all intents and purposes, I am the one that got away.

It's so insane how I can relate to incidental love songs playing as a part of ambient/everyday noise. Years back, I've always hated listening to certain radio stations that seem to have been locked in the past. Now, I've learned to forgive them for giving me a window for my emotions to peak through.

It's quite surreal seeing his profile read "Geneva, Switzerland" for his location. It's like he's just right across the corner from where I am still. I hate how his uncle had to send me a message on the phone telling me to try to catch him online since he felt homesick. He wanted to leave, I let him leave. He wants to be friends, I let him be friends. If he wants to talk to me, let him talk to me.

Right now, it's very very easy to fall into the invitation of hatred. It's very easy. I've practically entertained the thought and kept it lignering around my head for some time now. The silliest things just get me on it. For instance, when we started going out, I couldn't wear my pants without a belt. Now, I couldn't wear my pants, period.

But I know I am better than that.

Or am I?

I've finally moved out from the condo. Despite my struggles in keeping myself busy, I however don't think that I've moved on.

Yet.

At this point, I'm pretty tired of telling my story scene by scene, cut-to-cut, line by line, tear by tear. All the crying has made me weary. All the consolations have made me sorry. All the thinking has made me jarred. Everyone's right. Everyone's wrong. I don't know what to do. But I know I wanna stop. There's nothing to get over. Nothing to to hold up.

It lasted a year, but it never ended.

Ever slept without really sleeping? You know, the kind of sleep that has your body asleep yet you're very conscious of every other sensory experience going on, save for vision? Last night, my body was asleep but I knew I was wide awake. When I came to, it was six in the morning and I felt like I hven't slept at all. I wake up to a nearly empty house. Or so I thought. Turns out, everyone else was still asleep, and my mum had gone to work.

My phone alerted me of an incoming message. It was from the broker asking if she could come see the unit later this afternoon. I turned my phone off without replying. I planned to move out last Saturday, but the call of a break just made me want to stay home. Today, I shall pool all my strength and move all my stuff from the condo back to our little place in Cubao.

I can do this.

In the coming year, I'd love great tidings for all of us. I wish it would rain half an hour before midnight.

They say rain is a sign of good tidings. A customary belief here is to watch out for the first rainfall in may. It's the end of our summer and the start of the wet season. They say if one showers under the first rain in May, that person catches a shitload of prosperity and blessings. I've never really done it. Growing up my folks wouldn't allow me to jump into the rain since I had a very weak immune system. I could die even before I see any prosperity or blessing fall on my lap. Then again, maybe death is the pinnacle of prosperity.

We'll never know.

Rain'll certainly clean up the streets and the air from all the soot and smoke. Plus that'll shut up the neighborhood. Why can't we have a peaseful, honest to goodness, quaint New year's celebration? Come on. I live on the friggin' mountains east of the metro and we can't even have cabin atmosphere. It's bad enough that we're barraged by the noise (above all) pollution of tricycles that every night we practically hear fireworks. I don't want to be a party pooper. My folks wouldn't forgive me if I went out somewhere else without them. I don't want to be the sour crack on the chain to break the smallest bit of tradition they feel for our family, being together on Christmas and New Year's.

There's nothing to be happy about. We can only hope and pray our wish gets drawn in the great wish lotto of fate.